Dan called me during lunch today and asked how I felt. There's no real way to answer that, but I tried my best to explain. "It's like knowing someone is going to die. You're expecting it, you've tried your best to brace yourself. But the minute you hear those words...you still feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. You still mourn and grieve. You're still devasted by the loss."
This may sound "morbid", but I've been thinking about this post for awhile now. What will I write on that day? Will I even want to write? What would I even title something like that? And every time I thought about it, "D-Day" popped into my mind. I wasn't even sure what that meant to me until today...
Divorce. Depression. Disaster. Disguist. Disgrace. Disobedience. Denial. Distress. Division. Derision. Darkness. Danger. Defeat. Destruction. Desolation.
These D's don't need any explanation. Just devastating.
But there are other D's...
Today, I stand more devoted to my Lord God and to my husband.
Today, I am deeper in love with God. He is faithful. He is true. He will never break his covenants. Romans says "Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!"
Today, I can say that I know the meaning and value of "church discipline." I can also say that I now see the importance of discipline in my own life. Hebrews 12:11 says "For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those have been trained by it." This is a lifelong race. I need to start training.
Over the past year, I have dealt with a great deal of depression and anxiety. No more! Today, I find delight. "Your words were found, and I ate them, and yours words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts." Jeremiah 15:16.
Today, I reaffirm my commitment to "fight the good fight of the faith" (1 Tim 6:12) and to defend and protect my marriage. Ephesians 6 says, "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication."
Today, in the midst of my sorrow, I find myself desiring God. "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73
Today, I dare to believe that I still have reason to sing. This song has given me great hope over the past few months...
"Light dawns in the darkness for the upright; he is gracious, merciful, and righteous." Psalm 112:4
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
Today, I dance. I find great comfort in these verses from Psalm 30, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" HE will turn my mourning into dancing. HE will loose my sackcloth and clothe me in gladness. I don't have to do it on my own. Let's boogie.
Today, I am thankful for my earthly father and mother. I am thankful that they raised me in the ways of the Lord. I am thankful that I grew up in a Christian home. I am thankful that we went to church and prayed as a family. While I'll never understand their divorce, I am thankful.
More importantly, I am thankful that I am a daughter redeemed. Blessed be the Lord, for he has not left me this day without a redeemer. Hallelujah! I'm adopted. My father, my redeemer. I am truly a daughter redeemed.