It's hard to admit that. I know in my mind that asking for "help" doesn't make me any less of a woman, but there are moments where I feel like damaged goods. It's a process. A daily process of reminding myself that I am HIS child. My worth is found in HIM and not my ability to conceive.
Remember, recite, repeat, rely.
As I prepare emotionally, spiritually for tomorrow's appointment, I find myself thinking about how God has used this "trial" to grow me. How he is working this together for my good and his glory.
Trying for a baby month after month...feeling the cramps starting to set in...seeing that one line...realizing that you have to wait yet another month to *maybe* see two...well, it's draining.
One months turns to two. Two to three. Four, five, six... You start losing hope.
When the grief (yes, I do think it's a type of grief) sets in, you just want to crawl into a ball. Your body feels like your heart...broken, hurt, raw. But you can't just lay in bed every month. You have to keep going.
Thankfully, I'm not called to "go it" alone. Thankfully, I don't have to rely on my own strength.
Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
He doesn't just give me strength. He IS my strength. His grace sustains me, carries me, fuels me to keep going.
Because of Christ, I have hope. Not the hope of a baby. No. As the old hymn goes, "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."
A few weeks ago, I read this verse with new eyes:
"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." - Psalm 63:3
Yes, today as I await my appointment, I can praise God because his steadfast love is better than life.
Better than life itself.
Better because his steadfast love is the source of my life. In HIM, I live and move and breathe (Acts 17:28 ESV).
He has given me new life in Jesus.
And so I praise him.
I do pray that one day God will bless me with children so that they, too, can experience his life-giving love.
But until that day, I will trust him.
I will trust in his steadfast love.
Because his steadfast love is better than life, I will praise his glorious name.