Heal the wound, but leave the scar...

What a beautiful song...

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

A royal wedding

I can't believe I'm blogging at 3:30 AM. This is a first!

I didn't plan on waking up to watch "The Royal Wedding," but my heart has been pounding since 2:00 AM, and I haven't been able to sleep, so I decided to go ahead and watch history in the making!

Last night, when I told Dan that I wanted to DVR the wedding, he replied with "Why? It's just a stupid wedding!" I got defensive and told him that it's "romantic" and "beautiful" and that all weddings "symbolize Christ and His Church!" At that point, he challenged me to write a gospel-centered blog post on the royal wedding. Love you, honey...and I accept your challenge.

As I was laying in bed at 2 AM, I started thinking about why I'm so excited about this wedding. And even more, why are an expected 2 BILLION viewers so excited about "just a stupid wedding?"

And as I thought about it, I realized that we're wired for this. We are wired for fairytale romance.

Think about our favorite fairytales...

Snow White.

Snow White eats a piece of fruit given to her by her stepmother in disguise. The fruit causes her to "fall asleep" and only true love's kiss from a prince will awake her from her slumber.

Sound familiar?

Romans 5:12-16

"Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned— for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law. Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come.

But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ."

Then there's Sleeping Beauty. Pretty similar story line. Aurora, who has fallen asleep, receives a kiss from her prince, and comes awake to live happily ever after.














I think I've heard that one before too.

Ephesians 5:14- "...Awake, O Sleeper! And arise
from the dead! And Christ will shine on you."

And now, at 4:00 AM, I await the royal wedding of Prince William & Catherine Middleton. Kate, who will drive up in a car as a commoner and will leave a princess, just by way of marrying her prince.

This is just too easy, babe.

Ephesians 2: 4-10

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Yes, we're wired for fairytale romance, my dear sweet husband. We're wired for fairytale romance because we were CREATED for fairytale romance. We came into this world commoners. We were born as "Kates," but our bridegroom, Christ, has come to our rescue. He has awaken us from slumber with true love's kiss (humbling himself to death on a cross), he has designed our gown of righteousness, and has changed our position, so that we are now "Princess Catherines." We eat this "stupid wedding" stuff up because we were made for it.

How romantic is that!?

As I watch Prince William walk into the ceremony, I am entirely too excited about his royal wedding story, but I am much more excited about mine. Our royal wedding story, as the bride of Christ...

Revelations 19: 6-8

"Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

'Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure'—

for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints."

Oh, what a glorious royal wedding that will be!

And the best part?

We are promised a "happily ever after."

Now that's a royal wedding.

The man at the foot of the bridge...

I skipped along the wayward path,
curls bouncing in the breeze.
I smiled, not knowing where I went
amidst the forest trees.

I came upon a wooden bridge,
swaying to and fro.
Skipping, skipping, all the way,
whilst the winds did blow.

But as I skipped, I heard a voice
calling out my name.
I quickly turned and saw the man
from which the calling came.

With open arms, he called again,
"Come back, my child!" he said.
"This pathway is not safe for you.
Follow me, instead."

There was something about him I couldn't resist.
Strange, yet familiar was he.
Barefoot, I pattered across that old bridge,
For with him, I wanted to be.

I tugged on his robe, and he lifted me up,
Swinging me, 'round and around.
Laughing, rejoicing with tears in his eyes,
His lost little girl was now found.

And just as we turned away from the bridge,
Lo! The ground started to shake.
Holding me tight, we looked back at that bridge
as it crumbled and started to break.

My head on his chest, I started to weep,
as the rotten bridge gave way.
I knew not where I went, nor the path I was on,
without knowing, I'd fallen astray.

But the man who was holding me tight to his chest,
wiped my tears from my cheek as he said,
"You're safe, little one. You have no more to fear.
Come awake, child! You're no longer dead."

"For I knew you before you took your first steps,
and I knew on which path you were bound.
But in love, I came down and saved you from grief
so my mercy and grace would abound."

We turned and he showed me a narrower path
and told me to "Run well the race."
At nightfall, he told me he had to go home,
but he was leaving a friend in his place.

Now all grown up, I remember that man,
and I thank him again and again
For saving that blonde little curly head girl,
from eternal torment and pain.

Today, as I walk down the narrow path,
with the friend that he left at my side,
I thank him for saving that little blonde girl,
so that one day, with Him, I'll abide.

My fleece of unfaithfulness

I know I ended my last post asking you to stay tuned for Installment #2 of the Beloved Story (if you found yourself asking what Beloved is, you can read Installment #1 here). But before I get to that, I need to take a slight detour...

The past two weeks or so have been spiritually rough to say the least. I've felt alone and out of touch with God. I've been in the Word, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've worshipped, I've wept, but I've felt like God has been silent. I have tried to sit down and hammer out the details for Beloved, but haven't felt any direction or inspiration. I have begged Him for guidance in choosing the board of directors for the ministry, but I'm no further today than I was a month ago. I've been feeling like everything's been at a standstill.

So last night, when a friend asked me how she could pray for me, what followed was a whiny, self-loathing mess of a response... "...While I'm enjoying reading through the bible in a year, I am yearning for in depth reading that is more "applicable" to my life right now. I know that all of God's word is living and breathing in my head and heart, but I'm having a really hard time taking away anything from my daily reading. The old testament is full of good stuff, but I'm just frustrated. How do Joshua's battles have anything to do with me trying to discern who I should ask to be involved with Beloved or where we should go to church? I feel like I need more direct guidance and as though God is just being silent. My husband has encouraged me to do some in depth reading right now, but I'm already behind in my chronological plan, so I feel like any time I have needs to be spent catching up."

It didn't seem that bad when I wrote it. After all, it's how I felt, not what I believed. But then this morning, the Holy Spirit hit me with the story of Gideon.

Now, to be honest, if I wasn't reading through the Bible in a year, I probably would have never turned to Judges for counsel or guidance. But, that's where God had me today, and for that, I'm grateful. I had heard the story of Gideon a few times. When I was trying to decide where to go to college, I remember my elderly neighbor encouraging me to "put out a fleece." Since then, I've heard other Christians use the phrase on a handful of occasions, but I had never sat down and actually read the story of Gideon. It goes a little something like this...

The people of Israel did what was evil in God's sight (again!), and God allowed Midian to oppress them. When they cried out to God for deliverance, the angel of the LORD came to Gideon and told him that he, Gideon, would single-handedly strike down the Midianites. Gideon responded, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, then show me a sign that it is you who speaks with me." God, being the patient and merciful God that he is, gave Gideon his sign (a consuming fire springing up from a rock). After seeing the fire, Gideon was pretty much freaked out since he thought he had seen the angel of the LORD face to face. But the LORD said to him "Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die."

Later on (I'm skipping part of the story here for time's sake), Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said."

Okay, Gideon, I thought. You just spoke directly with God. Why do you need another sign?

But God, being the patient and merciful God that He is, gave him his wet fleece.

Surely you'll believe God now, Gideon. Right?

Wrong.

Right after he was wringing out the fleece, he turned around and asked God to do it again.

"Just once more, God. Pretty please?"

And once again, our gracious, merciful God gave him his wet fleece.

At this point in the story, I became angry. Hold up. I thought. I always though putting out a fleece was a sign of faith. Gideon saw God and spoke to him directly. God assured him that he would deliver Israel from the Midianites through Gideon. Why couldn't he just take Him at his word? This isn't a fleece of faith! It's really a fleece of unfaithfulness."

And then I realized...I am Gideon. And the Holy Spirit convicted me of my fleece of unfaithfulness. I have been sitting here, waiting for some sort of "sign" from God. An email. A phone call. A bolt of lightning. Some thing that will give me direction in this ministry.

But what I've failed to embrace is that God has already equipped me through his word...

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work." - 1 Timothy 3:16-17

God speaks directly to me through His word. And what's more, his Spirit is alive in me. I don't need a fleece. I need to have faith in the Word of God. And as I came to realize that truth, God, being the patient and merciful God that He is, spoke to me through his Word. And not just through a verse or a short passage, but through five books of the Old Testament and hundreds of years of history.

More on that next time, but for now, I leave you with this...

They just don't get it!

Today I'm linking up with Women Living Well Wednesdays and Good Morning, Girls! Women in the Word Wednesdays.

In recent months, I've spoken to quite a few discouraged ministry leaders and workers who feel like ripping their hair out and yelling, "God, they just don't get it!"

I've been there, and I know it can be disheartening when we pour our lives into people and those people fail us. Maybe they're ungrateful. Maybe they're apathetic. Maybe they're outright rebelling. And we look up at God and say, "See! They just don't get it!" Expecting him to pat us on the head, tell us how wonderful we are, and let us off the hook from this whole "ministry thing."

Sounds a little silly in writing, doesn't it?

Can you imagine if Jesus had just given up every time someone "didn't get it"?

Think about it. He was born in a manger...a feeding trough for wild animals. He grew up to be rejected by his own people. Judas betrayed him. Peter denied him. The Jews crucified him.

And as he was hanging on a cross...thorns crushing his brow, nails piercing his hands...as he was gasping for his next breath, he spoke those beautiful words, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." And moments later, three words that would save the world...

I am glad that when I didn't get it, Christ didn't give up on me. And I am thankful that although I despised and rejected him, he has saved me.

Now, that, I don't get.

So, beloved fellow servants, let us imitate Christ. When people fail us, when they "don't get it," let us look to his example, humble ourselves, and be obedient to our calling.

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." -Philippians 2:1-10 (ESV)

Waiting...

Today I'm linking up with Women Living Well Wednesdays.

--

I have always been moved by song.

This week, I heard "While I'm Waiting" on positive, encouraging K-Love, and I was (surprise, surprise) brought to tears...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord




It's a time of waiting right now in my household.

Waiting to start a family.

Waiting on God to lead us to a new church.

Waiting for graduate school to be over and done with.

Waiting...waiting...patiently waiting.

It's painful. But I wait.

And while I'm waiting...

I will serve Him.

I will invest in the people he has placed in my life.

I will work heartily as unto the Lord.

I will allow the Holy Spirit to prepare me for motherhood (Lord willing).

I will worship.

I will use this time to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ.

I will devote myself to the reading of His word and to prayer.

I will give thanks for the countless blessings He has bestowed upon me.

I will not faint.

I will lean wholly on His strength.

I will live and move and breathe in Him.

I will keep moving...taking each day one step at a time. Obediently. Purposefully.

Though it's not easy, He will be my comfort, my peace.

Faithfully, I wait.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."

I will worship while I'm waiting on you, Lord.

For Good

Today, I'm linking up with Good Morning, Girls! Women in the Word Wednesday. Quick note: I am not doing the James study. I've been doing a chronological Bible reading plan, so I was in Genesis/Exodus this past week.
__

For the past week or so, I've been reading the story of Joseph. Every time I read this story, I marvel at these words...

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."

Isn't that just like our God?

We all have had "Joseph" moments. Moments when we feel abandoned by our loved ones. Moments when we feel like a prisoner with no hope. Moments of helplessness. Moments of sorrow. Moments of despair.

But what man intends for evil, God means for good.

Lately, I have been haunted by a sin from my past. A boy from my past.

During my sophomore year in college, I felt like Joseph. My long-term boyfriend (now husband) and I had broken up, I had dropped my music major, and I felt like I had no idea where I was headed in life.

About a week before Valentines' Day, a good friend of mine suggested that I go out to dinner with a guy from our dorm. He, too, had broken up with his high school sweetheat. And misery loves company, right?

I didn't see the harm in one date, so I agreed.

One date turned into two, two turned into three. He fascinated me. His heart for the sick and poor was beautiful. His respect for his family was evident. He was planning on becoming a doctor and he loved music. What wasn't there to love? Our pity date quickly snowballed into something more than either of us had intended.

But it was an ungodly relationship, and I knew it. He wasn't a Christian. He wasn't even an "Easter/Christmas" Christian. He was a devout Muslim. He worshipped Allah. I worshiped the one true God. He saw Jesus as a "good prophet". I saw him as my Savior and King. He believed good works would make him right with his God. I could only boast in the grace of my own.

Yet...we were both lonely.

Things went too fast...progressing much quicker than any normal relationship. We both had huge cups that needed to be filled. We were running full speed ahead, until, not more than one month later, I hit my breaking point.

I couldn't talk to my Christian friends at school. Most had already condemned me. I couldn't talk to my parents. I was ashamed. I called the only person I knew would help me through this.

My dear sweet Daniel.

We hadn't talked for months. Dan didn't want us to act like we were dating if we weren't. I totally get that now. But by the grace of God, he answered his phone that night.

He listened. He prayed. God used him to grant me peace.

He determined that night that he had to be in my life as my brother in Christ. And that night, one destructive relationship ended as another beautiful friendship began.

We had dated for almost four years prior to that night, but for some reason, that phone call marked a new beginning for us. We grew in our friendship, and six months later, we would start dating again...and just about six months after that, he would propose...and twelve months (on the dot!) after that...he would be my lawfully wedded husband.

God meant it for good.

Fast forward to a few months ago when we were up at Northwestern College visiting my sister and attending the Desiring God Conference, and we ended up going to a Christian concert.

Between sets, the front man for one of the bands talked about Compassion International. Ever since I had dated that "boy from my past," my heart was set on adopting a little boy from India. God had used him to give me a heart for the children of India, especially young men. He had given me a deep burden for the lost in India--and a desire to help meet both their physical and spiritual needs. That night, my prayers were answered. Dan had known my desire for quite some time, and when we saw that there were children from India that needed sponsors, we decided to sponsor our first child...a now twelve-year-old boy named Sujin.

God meant it for good.

Yesterday, I was brought to tears reading this post from A Holy Experience and was reminded of the precious little boy who God has placed in our life. I went to a pile of old mail and found our first letter from Sujin and poured over it again and again...

I am very happy that you are going to be sponsors. You are [sic] support is making it possible for me to attend the child development centre where I am receiving tutoring and learning about Jesus. Thanks for your support. May God bless you.

Thanking you, with love,

Sujin


God meant it for good.

I sat down and wrote him a "Happy Birthday!" letter, picturing his face when he receives our note. And when I laid my head on the pillow, I prayed. I prayed...

...That he would grow deeper in the knowledge of our savior.

...That he would fall more in love with Him each day.

...That he would become a man after God's own heart.

...That we will meet in heaven one day.

And I thanked God. With my whole being, I thanked him.

For God meant it for good.

Isn't that just like our God?